healing

This morning, I awoke with the dawn. I felt the soft, warm sunlight dancing over my exquisitely sculpted cheekbones and perfectly placed freckles; I enjoyed my body embraced by the luminous sunlight. I flirted once with the idea of naming my freckles, but then I got distracted. Maybe I will one day. Being temporarily distracted is my specialty, and this morning was no exception. For a split second, I forgot about you, and basked in the rays of sun…and then reality set back in, and I realized that it was not you snoring softly beside me; it was Hobbes.  Again, two weeks after our two weeks, I was crushed. I felt my world come crashing to a halt.

I packed up my powerbook and Hobbes and headed over to The Grove to try and get my mind off things. Writing would help. Coffee would help. Three pounds of Bodega Chocolate would help. I wished I could go to Magnolia with Steph, the two of us indulging in soul-soothing cupcakes the way we always used to.  A tear slid down my creamy cheek.

I stopped at Coffee Bean on the way there, and as I was getting out of the CLK, my blackberry shrilled a familiar, warm ring. Avril Lavigne. An email. From Steph.

I know how you woke up this morning, pathetic and depressed and weepy. I understand how you feel sweetheart, I really do, but it's been three weeks, and it's time to move on. At this point you know what you need to do.

Get under another man. It's the only way.

Dazed, I opened the door of CB, plunging into the familiar, dark brown aroma, trying to dispel my disbelief. What had Steph just written to me? She can be so harsh, so cold. She doesn't understand. You were my world, and you discarded me like a cheap Fendi knockoff.

I stood in line, waiting to order enough coffee and coconut cake to feed all my fans (and I have a lot of fans), when fate brushed the seat of my True Religion jeans.  I spun and stared.  He was standing there, smiling apologetically, holding his wallet.  It was fat with bills.  I wanted to ask him what he did for a living, but you don't ask perfect strangers questions like that, especially at the Coffee Bean on a traumatic morning, with heartbreak on your sleeve like blood from a fresh wound.  I didn't want to seem needy or desperate, so I turned around, gazed hungrily at the menu, plotting my next move.  His wallet was so fat.

I ordered, then stepped to the left.  He shuffled up, now standing next to me.  Our heads turned to each other as if our eyes were magnets, and our gazes locked for a precious second.  He was older, metallic-haired, with deep lines sketched across his face.  I looked down, and he knew I was really looking sideways at him.  I could sense his smile.  Then I noticed his wedding ring, and laughed.
    "What?" His voice was scratchy and a little quavery.  He was nervous.  I knew he liked me.
    "You're married."
    "So?"
    "So you were flirting with me."
    He laughed. "Listen, Red, I haven't said a word to you."
    "I can feel it. You want me."
    He hesitated, fumbled with his cane a little, looked at his wallet. "How much?"

Then my mountain of cake arrived, and when I looked back, he was gone.  Sighing softly, I picked up my delicious burden and struggled out the door.  When I got to my car, he was leaning on it, breathing heavily from his trip across the street. Waiting, watching the door I came through.  Waiting for me. He wanted me.  I was on the long, twisting road to recovery; Steph would be proud of this first step.  I smiled as I opened the passenger door, gingerly helped him into his seat.  I was going to sleep with a married man.  A man who had options, who was weighing his conscience against sweet temptation the way I had weighed my morals against his wallet, but who, at the end of the day, knew a good bargain when he saw one.

Comments

[sarah]

Oh man, one of the funniest things about this blog (and there are SO MANY) is that you guys can actually write. This parody is so much better than the real thing.

Also, the penis chew toy named James Danos? Genius!

[Dan]

"I wanted to ask him what he did for a living, but you don't ask perfect strangers questions like that, especially at the Coffee Bean on a traumatic morning..."

Friggin hilarious.

[Lex Jenkins]

You gals are so bad. So very, very bad.

At this very moment I'm getting my cane out of the closet. Later I'll go to the bank and swap a Franklin for ones so I can pad my wallet nice and fat. Then I'm off to the coffee shop to prey on broken hearts.

Heh-heh-heh...

Scroogle ya later. It's more private.

[Noisette]

"Get under another man. It's the only way."

Stephanie, your tough love makes me weep. I wish I had a sister like you; to dry my tears, shove cake into my mouth, and push me out the door again. Thank you both- you are so inspiring.

[Cameron P]

I just read this blog for the 1st time...genius

[Subtext Whore]

You're definitely the more tragic of the two Goldsteins aren't you dear? And you obviously have honesty, bravery and courage on your side, but until those qualities pay the emotional dividends you can eventually expect, have you considered -- on your darker days -- playing Bonnie Tyler's Holding Out For A Hero at full volume whilst nobody else is home, and singing along to it at the top of your voice wearing nothing but women's panties? I find that it...I mean my sister finds that it helps her a lot.

[Alexandra DuPont]

Thank you, anabeth. Today your brave words and the administrations of your sister have given me something that therapy, tony robbins and my father could never give me: you have given me courage. There is such romance in coffee and flirting and brown smells and adultery and I had never thought to combine the two! Here is my story: I have had my eye on a man for weeks now at the local coffee shop where I buy a Vente Java Chip Frapachino thrice daily. He referes to himself as the "Biker Fox", like this, "The Biker Fox would like an iced coffee" "Can the Biker Fox use a debit card on a refill"; has he secretly been beckoning me to listen? Today I will walk up to him and subtly run my fingers through what remains of his mullet. All because of you. I am in aw.

[mimi]

It's so much more meaningful when a rich man cuts the corner of your challah, or alternatively phucks you exquisitely from behind.

go eat cake sweetie. eat lots of cake. then vomit it up into big thick patties. you deserve some goodness inside of you, of the calorific and circumcized variety

[He's Dead, Jim!]

Darling, it means so much when you date someone who limps.... perhaps he needs a hip replacement? I know a great orthopedic surgeon. Or maybe he should just carry his wallet in a different pocket? Or, maybe you could carry it for him?

[pablo]

I love elderly married men.

Thank you for reminding me that experience comes with time but it is the anticipation of learning which makes us alive.

[Jeff Funk]

Beautiful post. I think the ghosts of past loves always linger.

Thanks for your comment on my LiveJournal. You inspired me to open a typepad account.

Take care,
Jeff Funk

[stretch_td]

And I bet you enjoyed every last morsel. Didn't leave a crumb.

Too wicked, too nasty, this needs to be a SNL skit.

btw, thank you for adding me to you "talk about town".

[Sex & Moxie]

Typad is so much more functional than Blogger. Love your new design. I, too, was inspired to finally use my Typepad account.

[Claypot]

Ow! Seriously, my belly hurts from laughing!

"with heartbreak on your sleeve like blood from a fresh wound"

It's too funny. And also, yeah, actually much better writing!!!

[lefty_grrrl]

Fucking genius.

[piupiu]

i'm thinking of you and your pain. you WILL get through this. (albeit several pant sizes larger)

x

[Stephanie]

You both are fucking amazing and you can write too! I LOVE it! I'm so proud to share your name!

[3rd Times a Charm ( 3T )]

ROFLMAO!!! I almost feel guilty laughing so hard. You gals are hilarious!
3T

[Neil]

I was with a woman once in bed and I decided to count her freckles. she thought it was so romantic. But after I got up to 548 freckles, I just fell asleep. She got pissed because that's not why she picked me up at the bar for, and ended up kicking me out of the house.

I hate freckles.

[TSB]

You are my new heroes.

[Cher]

Hey! Speaking of coconut cake ... I just wanted to let you all know that http://www.kultic.com is a great place to shop online when it comes to items such as True Religion Jeans. Use coupon code denimblog25 for 25% off your entire order! They've got same day shipping, they're 100% authorized, 100% authentic, and have great customer service. Mmm, coconut cake;).

[DFDF]

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