"Oh my God. I wonder why the men in my life never call me back as well. Thanks for turning life's heart-rending experiences into wonderful prose for us all to enjoy and cry over. Two penises? That's not crass sweetie. Your honesty is just astounding and wonderful.
I wish I was you."
- Mimi New York
"Thank you for the awwwwsome satire. If she can't take a joke, fuck her."
"SK is dumb. End of story. Keep on pissing on her bonfire please."
- Piu Piu
"Only Alex Blagg could write something this stupid."
- beerzie boy
"I would like to nominate this for a Nobel Prize. This is, without a doubt, one of the funniest things ever. Especially the line about masturbating to your own words. But who doesn't do that when they write something brilliant?"
"I can't tear myself away from the ringside action and ring-size drama. Ahhh, the drama."
- Young Manhattanite
"Genius parody... I really hope [this is] written by a girl, and that she will be my new best friend."
"Great site! Love the entertainment!"
"I luv the site. Now, who is this Stephanie Klein person and why is she impersonating the 2 of you?"
"I don't know why everyone thinks this sight is funny. It's painful. You are a great writer - your style is like William Faulkner meets Hillary Duff - but you are so concerned with what men think of you! I was once fat, too. I know you were fat because you, like all fat girls, were molested by your father. I managed to find my way out of obesity... I now teach Feminist Dance Therapy at UC Santa Cruz, and I can tell you that I am now skinny as a non-molested girl. I stare at your picture and think of what your shallow life must be like. I could show you a way out of that mess. Let me show you. Let me teach you."
- Sylvia Jessica Plath
The summer of 87 was hot and dense, colored loud like the t-shirts we had to wear all day: purple for girls, orange for boys. We clashed on sunny afternoons, playing team sports like tug-of-war, where the fattest side always won, and that side usually had me on it. But in the night time we embraced clumsily behind bushes, tongues in ears, hands slipped under elastic waist pants, navigating rolls of fat to get to moist, hidden treasures.
I kept a diary then, filled with pages of youthful scrawl in sparkly gel pen and thousands of pictures of me trying to look thin. Obviously, not much about me has changed, besides my Photoshop skills and the price tags on my clothes.
Here's one of my favorite little excerpts:
I'm still at fat camp, and it kinda sux cuz I have 2 hide all my chocklate barz under the mattriss and they get all icky-sticky and gross. But it's kind of good too cuz then Annie goes "ewwwww" and she wont steel them like she allways does at home!!! She steels my boyfrendz too sumtimes. Like, last summer, I wuz totally dating this boy for like, SIX DAYZ wich is a pretty long time 4 me!!! and then 1 day I snuck outside to dig up my top-secrit stash of cheetoz and then i screemed even louder than i screem for ice creem cuz there she was on her back getting fingerd by my bf!! I think I shood spel Cheetoz "CHEAToz" from now on because thats wat they remind me of, cheaters.
So then I got back at them both by sukking Jon L's boner the next nite (Annie had the hugest crush on him for, like, EVER). It was the thickest one I had ever seen!!!! I wuz creeming in my Barbie pantiez just looking at it lol. I didn't want him to cum in my mouth cuz that's yucky so i let him cum all over my pritty face insted!!! It wuz soooooo hott. i cant wait til he stiks it in my butt.
NEWAY... camp is more fun this year cuz ppl no me and i'm super super popular! yay me!!! the boyz think i am so hott and they all want to stik it you no wear, BUT (hee hee) i am saving that for Jon L. my sissy will be so jelus lol!!!!"
Already you can see my genius writing talents emerging. "Cheatoz"... wasn't I so cute and precocious? No wonder I knew I was going to be famous.