dear diary, i'm at fat camp

The summer of 87 was hot and dense, colored loud like the t-shirts we had to wear all day: purple for girls, orange for boys. We clashed on sunny afternoons, playing team sports like tug-of-war, where the fattest side always won, and that side usually had me on it.  But in the night time we embraced clumsily behind bushes, tongues in ears, hands slipped under elastic waist pants, navigating rolls of fat to get to moist, hidden treasures.

 

I kept a diary then, filled with pages of youthful scrawl in sparkly gel pen and thousands of pictures of me trying to look thin.  Obviously, not much about me has changed, besides my Photoshop skills and the price tags on my clothes.

 

Here's one of my favorite little excerpts:

 

"Dear Diary,

 

I'm still at fat camp, and it kinda sux cuz I have 2 hide all my chocklate barz under the mattriss and they get all icky-sticky and gross. But it's kind of good too cuz then Annie goes "ewwwww" and she wont steel them like she allways does at home!!! She steels my boyfrendz too sumtimes. Like, last summer, I wuz totally dating this boy for like, SIX DAYZ wich is a pretty long time 4 me!!! and then 1 day I snuck outside to dig up my top-secrit stash of cheetoz and then i screemed even louder than i screem for ice creem cuz there she was on her back getting fingerd by my bf!!  I think I shood spel Cheetoz "CHEAToz" from now on because thats wat they remind me of, cheaters.

 

So then I got back at them both by sukking Jon L's boner the next nite (Annie had the hugest crush on him for, like, EVER). It was the thickest one I had ever seen!!!! I wuz creeming in my Barbie pantiez just looking at it lol.  I didn't want him to cum in my mouth cuz that's yucky so i let him cum all over my pritty face insted!!! It wuz soooooo hott. i cant wait til he stiks it in my butt.

 

NEWAY... camp is more fun this year cuz ppl no me and i'm super super popular! yay me!!! the boyz think i am so hott and they all want to stik it you no wear, BUT (hee hee) i am saving that for Jon L. my sissy will be so jelus lol!!!!"

 

Already you can see my genius writing talents emerging.  "Cheatoz"... wasn't I so cute and precocious? No wonder I knew I was going to be famous.

Comments

[mimi f.]

I'm so glad you've written some more beautiful words for us Stephee. I really despair when I have to watch all this tragedy on the news. I mean, get over it, you know? We all have issues.

More please sweetie. More. Where do you get your adorable hair done? I need to know.

[Noisette]

Have you thought about publishing your childhood diaries? You could call it "Goldstein: Juvenalia" and you could write a sticky-sweet intro about how you look back at that time with mingled nostalgia and regret but you're so glad you're here in your now, with your new. It would sell like hotcakes.

[Sex & Moxie]

CHEAToz. Jesus, I think I just creamed MY Barbie Panteez.

[Neil]

I think I was at that fat camp. Do you remember me. Probably not, since you were so popular. I had such a big crush on you. I was pretty fat until three years ago when I went through that tummy-tuck surgery. Now all the women at work call me "hunk." I still live with my mother in Bayside, Queens, but I'd love to come see you some time. Give me a call! And remember our motto: Fatties forever! Or not!

[Chris]

I am addicted to this neverending TOTS.

From, definitely not one of the cool kids at the table but rather the dorky kid who sits in ny in shock and awe wondering and waiting for the Tale of Two Sisters...."The Movie" (starring Roseanne Arnold as SK)

[Lex Jenkins]

I can't wait 'til you kids get your own book deal or cable TV show.

You could call it "Sale of Two Twisters" cuz you guys are, y'know, kinda twisted. In a good way, in a good way...

But if HBO picks it up, puh-leeze, don't let the Olsen twins play you two. Do yourselves. And I mean that in a good way...

[3rd Times a Charm ( 3T )]

LMAO!
You two have become my newest guilty pleasure! (Which of course makes me feel guilty) I'll get over it though. Love your writing!
3T

[lefty_grrrl]

'i cant wait til he stiks it in my butt. NEWAY...'

I think I just cracked a rib. Laughing, not doing anything sexual. Um...

[Jeff Funk]

Oh my God. That's hilarious! "CHEAToz" -- too funny! Great friggin' blog entry.

[Claypot]

I'm laughing too much at the PHOTO to take in the writing...I don't know where you found something so, so, suitable but good job.

[Blume]

Ohh, please keep it up. I keep going back to that OTHER blog, out of, I don't know, masochism or the trainwreck fascination of it all or something, and you save me from the utter despair it induces...

[lonesome]

Who the phuck is Steph Klein?
A wonderful story.

[kris]

I don't hate SK, but I love this blog which is why I link to it, which is probably why she won't post my comments anymore on her blog :-( Pass the Cheatoz, please .

[piupiu]

this is a JOURNAL people. its like, u know, meant to be, like, narcissistic, and u know, full of essentials about hair and prada and hermes. why SHOULD u girls even notice a load of poor black american people died, because like, that fat ginger girl with the famous blog didn't, and she's like, a ROLE MODEL or something.

love ya! keep it up. kisses.

[piupiu]

to the obscene freak who reads my messages here, and then sends me anonymous and intrusive email criticism.

GO FUCK YOURSELF. I am allowed an opinion, and a joke, and a sense of humour- especially when it contains more than a grain of truth. u want to read my whole blog? u want to read my thoughts on us foreign policy? london bombs that killed a university friend? dealing with death and illness and being skint? dealing with having a conscience and trying to work in a far off career field which might not accomodate that? obviously not, because u havent done.

u pathetic threats will not deter me from having an opinion, and your inane attempts at intimidation are redundant.

SORRY FOR HIJACKING YOUR BLOG GIRLS_ but it is apparent my stalker is tracing me via comments on this site.

[Suitor]

Steph...

Your words danced in my eyes and frolicked in my mind like two fat twins sharing a twix.. (or are they fighting over it.. it's unimportant). I fall deeper and deeper in love with each enchanting post. Your line about sukking a boner brought me back to my childhood.... Thank you for reminding me... I'm hugging a lock of your beautiful hair right now.

[lana]

ooooooooooh someone got Stephanie all fired up...

this was on her post this morning:
You know, I don't really give a gnat about what it is you want me to write. Keep those comments for the suggestion box, and please realize they're suggestions. Know this blog writing is my JOURNAL. I'm not going to write about politics in my personal journal. Greek Tragedy: STORIES OF MY LIFE. Deal with it.

From now on, comments about how self-absorbed, self-serving, self-centered, and self-everything-else I am will be deleted because it's taking up my precious space. We all know this blog is self-indulgent, as most personal diaries tend to be, so if you're going to comment, tell me something I don't know. It's not exactly insightful saying, 'wow, all you do is write about yourself.'

Posted by: StephanieKlein | Sep 7, 2005 10:07:39 AM

[leann]

hmmm... i think maybe posting as other people (ie the suitor) is more crappy than it is funny. it's stuff like that, and fighting in the comments that's making this site less appealing.

keep it a parody -- the personal shit is getting old.

[industrywhore]

you are an enchanting, beautiful butterfly. i only wish that i could go back in time and soothe your distrought ten year old self with a gentle ass-fucking.

[Karo]

You girls are the best! Just wanted to let you know that. Continue being youself, forget about the meanie's and trolls. You are the reason I get up every morning. Without your self absorbed naccicistic (sp?) wonderful drivel I would have blown my brains out all over my faux Picasso weeks ago. I just want to eat you two out... er, I mean up.

[zey]

omg that pic is worth a thousand words.

[Suitor]

"it's stuff like that, and fighting in the comments that's making this site less appealing."

*cough* hypocrite *cough*

Steph... keep on inspiring

[He's Dead, Jim!]

Oh, and another thing diary... if someday I use all of this ripe tween angst to suck up a JUICY book deal, I will open up my cavernous maw and swallow whole anyone who dares criticize me. You hear that? SWALLOW WHOLE.

[annabeth goldstein]

claudette: swallowing is so much more ladylike than spitting.

[piupiu]

in reply to- He's Dead Jim!

...or else, just anonymously pester them via their own blogs, and email.....