mid-insertion crisis

Last night, I invited my chiclets over to my Upper East Side apartment for one of our famous martinis-and-masturbation sessions.  We lounged on Jonathan Adler furniture in strategically elongated positions, nibbled on sushi, and compared our numbers.  I'm not talking caloric intake, our Hot or Not scores, or the number of Hermes scarves we wanted to own by age thirty.  I'm talking lovers, phuck buddies, one night stands.  The odd bathroom rendezvous at a club opening.

My sister worries about her number like she worries about her weight, chewing away her manicure at three am, nerves frayed like split ends.  She drunk-dials her ex-boyfriends: "Keep me company tonight, I'm alone, aching."  What she means is, of course: "Keep my mouth busy so I won't think about freshly microwaved Krispy Kreme donuts dripping with sugary satisfaction."  Annie would sooner taste the familiarity of a formerly-loved penis than a strange, possibly uncircumsized one.  She rationalizes: "It doesn't count if he's already spent days stretching my rosebud, does it? What's one more assphucking?"

I don't care enough to memorize my number; shiite, I can't even count that high.  I've opened slender, freshly-waxed legs for men I phucked once or twice in the meat packing district, thinking it was safe without regard to how many of my friends they've slept with in the meantime.  It was never done just to see if I still have it, and I'm absolutely positive those MILSM (men I let sodomize me) care about me just as deeply as I care about them, but it still seems a tad risqué.

Because so many of my exes are still in my little black genuine crocodile leather book, they will all be hereafter referred to as MILSMs.  It's also because I'm tired of sending the same reply message to all those is-that-anal-sxe-post-about-me? emails. "No, it's about me. What else could it be about?"  I'm no stuck-up JAP, clearly, but now is not the time for bathroom lovers to start thinking they're phuck buddies.

Comments

[Lizzie]

Hey, just came across your blog and I love your writing! You've inspired me to to let men sodomize me so I too can one day have a list of MILSM in a little black book. I love your hair!

[melusina]

Haha, too funny girls! Keep it up!

[LKG]

Glad you liked my comment, and you're totally right - Men is way better than Dudes.

[He's Dead, Jim!]

You two rock! Thanks for reading my mind. The Emperor is naked, and her name is SK. That joke of a blog deserves a parody. How wonderful that it is better than the "original!"

[sb]

All I needed to do is see the banner to laugh.

[piupiu]

its SO frustrating when u get those calls isn't it? especially when you can't remember their damned names (let alone their members).

keep it up DARLINGS. every time i see Prada, i think of you...

piu piu x

[piupiu]

sorry, sweeties, that should read 'especially when you can't remember their damned members (let alone their names)".

what was i thinking of?????

[mimi]

Eating cock, eating krispi kremes. If one swallows does this curb the temptation to swallow whole rotisserie chickens like slender red-haired pythons? Is gorging on old, pre-acquainted cock calorifically, well, OK? Is phcuking used and discarded goods an acceptable level of entertainment for such gorgeous creatures as yourselves?

I find it hard to read this site at times. It's disturbing how it makes me re-evaluate and question life's insatiable ebb and flow. I want to just be sometimes, unquestioning, unquestionably. But in the absence of this, I'll just adore you two and your perfect lives, and live vicariously through an existence I could never aspire to have. For I am not worthy.

Thank you for being you.

[Alexandra DuPont]

I've never really been much of a reader, or a lover, but your wonderful posts are easily the most important and exhilirating things involving words that I have ever scene. Like you, I used to be "big boned" only I still am. But your words, and also your grammer and sentences, make me think about what it would be like to challenge myself. Challenge myself to live. To be couragous and drink hot cocoa by warm roasting fires while shaving with my grrlfriends. To sweat my fears and eat less chocolate. And to pluck the thorns out of my rosebud and fill it with something silky and black. Are our lives ever perfect? Yours is. Or maybe it's your struggle that is perfect. I am in awe.

[industrywhore]

too. fucking. funny. wouldn't it be insane if you were actually stephanie klein, and started the whole site and lawsuit for more greek tragedy promotion? whoa. must take another bong hit ASAP.

[angelina]

oh, thank little baby jesus you guys found a new home.

also, I was laughing so hard at this post that my boss gave me more work to do. WTF is that about?

[Christopher London]

Industry whore, that would truly be the definition of Machiavellian maneuver by Judith Regan. However, as reported by Young Manhattanite among others, Ms. Klein apparently may have plagiarized a post on her blog. Surprised? What if Hallmark were to dispatch a team of lawyers to conduct some due diligence of the Greek Tragedy blog, would they find text lifted from their greeting cards? Who’s to know? Interesting thought nevertheless. In either case, I doubt that any part of Regan Books marketing plan anticipated that the authenticity of Ms. Klein’s work would be called into question or the level of ridicule and parody that her work would be subject to by the blogging community. An interesting question to ponder is what if the parody of Greek Tragedy was to eclipse the traffic to Ms. Klein’s web site.

[Matt]

"wouldn't it be insane if you were actually stephanie klein, and started the whole site and lawsuit for more greek tragedy promotion?"

He just BLEW MY MIND.

Christopher London, you need to see a therapist for your obsession with SK, I mean good lord, don't be consumed by her shit and whatever, just be pissed, and go on. You are why people hate lawyers.

[Matt]

Chris, you need a therapist, and some anti-phsycotic meds. Double up on the latter.

[Subtext Whore]

Oh Annie, I bet you just love to lick your Krispy Kreme donuts lovingly around the outside before thrusting your tongue through the middle!

[stretch_td]

Too funny.

But sodomy is more that just @ss phukking. No stories about the other forms of sodomy? Or, are you a good lil' JAP after all. ;)

[Alex P Bligg]

You are such a rip-off of Carrie Bradshaw it's sickening. I can't believe that you have the balls to actually consider yourselves writers. What's next: a book deal? I am so much more clever, talented and handsome than you. I need all the attention. I am great and everyone suck. You'll probably edit this anyhow you self absorbed hack.

Check out my blog www.blandblogg.blogspot.com

[mimi]

How dare you alex bligg. It's people like steph and annie who make this world a better place, allowing us a much needed space where we can forget about world poverty, war, politics and poor people etc. We need people like them to keep us grounded, allow us to look and appreciate everything that is beautiful in the world, be that Prada, our own orifices, or the Hotel Ganesvoort. Have some perspective. Your blog is puerile and pathetic, as are you. Attention seeker. Meanie.

[zey]

omg....lol

[Tom]

1. You're a scream.
2. I can't believe SK is suing you.
3. When does the defense fund soliciting begin?

Using words you've probably heard before, "don't stop now!"

[lana]

come on everyone, stop getting so ugly on here. this blog is all about peace, romance, love and finding yourself. bash each other elsewhere, this is not the time nor the place.

nicely written stephanie! keep it coming!

[Subtext Whore]

Nicely said Lana. Never before has anal sexuality been rendered into such beautiful prose. To even attempt to do so requires guts. Literally.

[Moxie]

Love the new blog design. And, yeah, when does the legal donation fund start? I'm in for $25.

[lawschool dramaqueen]

I don't think SK has a cause of action for which to sue, of course I haven't taken intellectual property or copyright yet, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Guess I should spend some more time with my books and try to figure that out...

[Blog Ho]

marry me?